"The Amazing Race," 8 p.m., CBS
OK, I am totally in love with the hillbillies. The puking, tooth-challenged hillbillies. And the 11-year-old and I agree that those idiot sisters should be banished to AR Hell for all eternity after they lost to the Jersey-wannabes in the “race” to the mat.
"The Celebrity Apprentice," 9 p.m., NBC
Dear Cheryl Tiegs, We are going to try hard and remember as you were, and not as you are now, which is very, very boring. Although erasing from our brains the sight of you unable to separate slices of cheese will be difficult. And thank you to Mr. Trump for finally allowing me to understand who Aubrey O’Day is. She keeps friending me on Facebook.
"The 84th Annual Academy Awards," 8:30 p.m., ABC
I am not ashamed to say this: I am a fan of Billy Crystal. And I have not seen one single nominated movie. There you go.