In Devotion, Husband and Father Akin to One Another

For my 40th birthday two years ago, my sister gave me a trip with her to a very nice spot in the Caribbean. My husband was left to his own devices for five days. The morning I left, I got up at 5 a.m. for a 7 a.m. flight.

No one was up when I left. I had left notes and detailed "reports" for my husband with everyone's weekday routine written down. Not that it was all unfamiliar since he is in charge each weekend when I go to work but having three kids by yourself for five days can feel a bit overwhelming when you haven't done it before.

I needn't have worried. He handled it like he handles just about everything else with some humor and a big grin. There is something about a guy who can just take on a challenge, no matter how big or small and just meet it with a smile. I am not sure how many husbands would smile and say, "Sure, go to a nice island in March for a week and leave me with three kids and have fun." And really mean it.

Of course there were a few phone calls early the morning I left as I sat in the airport waiting for my flight. "What can I feed the baby for breakfast? What time does the bus come? Where is all the clean underwear?" I had written it all down but who can blame him for not wanting to read it all. A woman sitting near me smiled after the third phone call and asked how many children he was alone with. I was tempted to say one just to see her reaction but I couldn't sell him out like that. I said three and gave their ages. Her response was, “Wow, you're lucky.”

A friend told me once she had read an article that women tend to find a husband who somehow mirrors the personality of their father. I am not sure how true that is. In the case of finances, my husband and father couldn't be any more opposite. My father was not nicknamed "Dollar Bill" because he is a big spender. My husband has no idea how to hold onto a dollar or even loose change.

My dad likes a quiet day spent lounging, reading, playing a little golf. My husband can hardly sit still. Over the years he has calmed his pace a bit but when we first started dating I had to beg for mercy, give me a day without something BIG planned or scheduled. To my husband a day that does not have three or more activities in it has been a lounging kind of day. My father might find that excessive.

Growing up my father was strict. He had rules and we followed them. When I was in high school he wouldn't allow me to wear makeup. Life was rough enough for a teenager who loved Frank Sinatra and black and white movies from the '30s so this was one rule I was willing to try and get around. I managed quite well for months. I would leave the house with a fresh face, run to the locker room at school, swipe on the blue mascara and blue eyeliner, a little lip smacker and I was good and ready for any street corner and my father was none the wiser.

On the other end of the day I would scramble home, run to the bathroom and wipe it all off before my mother could see it. One advantage to a mother who was in a wheelchair, you could out run her. On one afternoon I was distracted and only washed half of my face. An hour later I was in the car with my dad and he kept looking at me. Finally he said, ”Is that makeup on your eyes?” I said "no," but realized I was caught. Of both sides of my face, why did I have to miss the left side?

My husband is strict, occasionally, but in truth in our house it is a role reversal from my own home growing up. In my house as a kid, it was “wait till your father gets home.” In our house, my husband says, “I'd watch myself if I were you. You don't want to mess with your mother.” So the similarity between my father and my husband does not exactly screaming out at me.

So it required more thought.

They both enjoy boating and fishing. A good glass of beer. But that is all superficial stuff. Most guys love a good cold beer and some version of fishing, fly, ocean or just the beer that usually comes along with the trip. So I needed to dig deeper.

I thought back to my childhood and my father spending hours on the beach with me and my sister. Taking me out in the Sailfish around the Point. Trips to Watch Hill. I remembered the way our house morphed to suit the needs of my mother's disability and how it was just was what it was and then it came to me.

Devotion.

I managed to find a man who mirrored my father's devotion and commitment to the words "I do." Both men are devoted fathers and husbands, caring and unyielding in their interest and support. My father loved my mother with a genuine heart and never let her down when she needed him most. My husband, although his challenge is keeping up with me mentally, still keeps pace and remains a devoted husband even at the most trying of times.

They both give with a generosity of spirit that fills your soul and makes you realize they are paying attention and they love you.

I am not sure that we women try to find a man who resembles our fathers. That might just be too Freudian but if you find someone who loves you unconditionally, who navigates the bad with humor and finds the good at the end of each day then consider yourself fortunate. If you grew up with that same devotion, then consider yourself blessed.