Well, it's the height of the Christmas frenzy, most of which I've avoided by decorating early, doing all my shopping on cyber Monday and sending out a limited amount of Christmas cards.
The one thing I haven't been able to escape? Cookie Swaps.
Now, I do understand the premise of this kind of event. It's a great opportunity to come together and trade cookies and spend some special time enjoying each others company. It's fun to gather all kinds of sweet treats that you wouldn't otherwise make and then share them with your family.
I get it.
But I don't like cookie swaps! And here's why:
Sending me an invitation to a cookie swap where I have to make 8 dozen cookies is like sending me an invitation to vacuum under my bed, clean the gutters, scrub the oven and sweep behind my refrigerator. That's because I don't enjoy baking and so 8 dozen cookies sounds like a lot of work to me.
That many cookies don't just appear out of thin air (unless I buy them at the supermarket and let's face it, I'm already broke from cyber Monday so I don't have money to be tossing around on cookies) which means that I will somehow, in the midst of school parties and doctor's appointments and wrapping and cleaning my house and relaxing with a cup of eggnog, will now have to destroy my kitchen as I take 3-4 hours out of my time to "whip something together."
Can we not do something a little more reasonable? Like 1 dozen? 8 dozen is like showing up at a book club, something that should be fun, and them telling you that you have a week to read 18 chapters of Anna Karenena. It's a little daunting.
For those of us who don't enjoy baking, 8 dozen seems like a high price to spend time with you. How 'bout we do something I enjoy? I'm going to have a writing swap, where each attendee must submit the first 3 edited chapters of their memoir, no less than 18,000 words. That'll be fun, won't it???? We'll swap stories and drink wine and have a merry old time!
What? That doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs? It sounds like it'll take too much effort? Okay, see...now you understand where I'm coming from, you cookie swapping monster!
I hate to break it to you, but I'm fat. And it would behoove fat people to avoid having too many sweets in their homes. During Christmas time, in a deliberate attempt to keep from having a heart attack, I only make cookies on Christmas eve, for Santa. We're talking 6 cookies tops, shared by Santa, Mrs. Claus and their Grandmother elf. No biggie.
Anything more than that causes way too much temptation for me. I could fall headlong into rice crispy treats and chocolate covered pretzels. I could dunk chocolate chip cookies in a tub of milk until I get a belly ache. I suppose I could send them with my husband to work and give the rest to my neighbors but let's be realistic here. I've made that plan before and it never happened! It's shameful, I know but half a dozen usually never even made it home from the swap itself!
Do you think that drug addicts have a cocaine swap? Do you know why they don't? Must I state the obvious? I don't want to end up in a 30 day program trying to come down from my holiday sugar rush, mkay?
So here's what I suggest...give me a way out. Tell me that I can come to your party but that if I choose not to, I don't have to bring cookies. In exchange, I won't eat any cookies and trust me, that's a win-win for both of us.
Tell me that all you really want is to spend time with me and that I can show up empty handed and that my hugs are just as sweet as any confectionery treat. Tell me that there is no 8 dozen surcharge to get in at the door. If you do, you will make my life much easier and give me the greatest gift of all, a break to spend time with amazing friends.